How I Survived Financial Abandon As A Teen in Hong Kong

A Team Sassy member shares how she survived in one of the world’s most expensive cities after her single mum gambled away their savings — leaving her stranded — and how it shaped the woman she is today.

The stereotype of mothers as a soft place to land — nurturing, supportive, encouraging — is far from the truth for many. Often they are the product of neglectful parents themselves, using the only coping mechanisms they know to self-soothe, unconscious of the knock-on effect it has on their children. The mother-daughter relationship can be tinged with complexity, particularly in the context of self-esteem and how this informs relationships later in life. My mum was far from perfect, forcing me to become financially independent as a teenager in my final years of secondary school. The silver lining? Today, I am self-sufficient, considered and steadfast in my boundaries.  

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Realising My Mum Was Different Early On

My single mum often worked late at night, sometimes even until the morning, so I spent most of my time alone. I loved my mum and the idea of family life, but we just didn’t have the same bond as my friends did with their mothers. They were all jealous that my mum would buy me gifts, like the latest phone or laptop (at least in the beginning) to make up for her absence.

My mum initially earned a good salary but developed a gambling addiction, which reached its peak while I was at university. Her bosses would call me to ask where she was on the days she missed work, though I’d have no idea. She would be gone for three to four days at a time and lie about being with friends, when she was actually gambling in Macau.

Our relationship hit rock bottom when I was offered a place in university, which my mum had agreed to help with. But halfway through my first semester, I realised that she was no longer able to afford it as she’d gambled her savings away. By that point, it was too late to apply for a loan to secure my spot, and her last-minute refusal almost cost me my degree. Thankfully I was able to borrow money from someone (and secure an official loan), so I was able to pay for university myself.

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Learning To Adult — Rapidly

The biggest struggle I faced was studying full-time while working up to five days a week to make ends meet, without any support from my family. That’s a lot to contend with for anyone, let alone a teenager. My mother’s gambling saddened me, but there was nothing I could do about it. I felt completely hopeless. 

During this time, my mum would gaslight me by saying I had to give her the cash I earned because she’s my mother, and that it was my fault she turned to gambling to provide me with a good life. This escalated to harassing me over text messages and calling non-stop. She once rang me from Macau to ask me to leave my part-time job immediately and take a ferry to pick her up, as she had lost all her money. 

While I felt bad for her, I realised lending mum money encouraged her to call me and try to borrow more. The only way to avoid it was not to pick up. I panicked every time the phone rang and feel like I have PTSD about the drama she caused. To this day, I refuse to answer unknown numbers.

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Independence As A Moving Target

As I child, my mum advised me never to rely on men, and emphasised the importance of independence as a woman. I grew up really looking up to her. But her narrative changed over the years as she became more cynical — and so did her advice, which instead became: “Find yourself a rich man”. 

As an independent woman, witnessing the extreme change in my mother’s values was disappointing. When I think of her today, I only associate her with borrowing money. I’ve even lied about living in a subdivided flat and earning next to nothing, just so she’d think I’m broke and stop asking for loans.

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Complicated Family Dynamics

I don’t know much about mum’s childhood, except that she comes from a large family. She wasn’t close to her mother, and she resented her siblings because she had to start working at a young age to help support them. The fact that she didn’t have much of a relationship with her family means that we are distant too. 

At one stage, my mum did make an effort to meet up. In a typical Asian parenting style, she made little digs to guilt trip me. “You never reach out. You don’t love me anymore.” I knew it was her way of showing love, but it’s best not to get too close, because you just never know.

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My Mother’s Daughter?

My troubled relationship with my mother has been instrumental in the person I have become, not to mention hugely impactful because living in an expensive city like Hong Kong is tough enough, without the added stress of zero support or safety net. If I can’t afford rent one day, no one can help, which makes me feel unsafe living alone here.

At the same time, I can also acknowledge the benefits of being self-reliant from a young age. Being abandoned by my mother, in every sense of the word, has hands-down been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with, but it’s also made me independent. I am really hardworking and proud that I can look after myself, even if it’s because I don’t have a choice. If I don’t work hard — I fail. I die. 

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Thoughts On Having Kids

I grew up in an area in Hong Kong where many single-parent families reside. This has influenced how I feel about having children of my own. I will only do it if I’m financially stable and sure I can provide enough time and love as well. 

The way I see it is, while I don’t have to be a perfect parent, I do need to be mentally, emotionally and financially stable. I would love to be a mum one day, but am hyper aware that with that comes the responsibility of giving them a safety net, especially in an expensive city like Hong Kong. 

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Holidays Can be Hard

Mother’s Day is tough for me, especially the gimmicky marketing, with everyone posting themselves celebrating on Instagram stories. The Asian belief that you should love your mother purely because you’re related by blood is so frustrating. Giving birth to a child doesn’t equate to them being well raised. 

I still believe that my mum is capable of being a good mother, because she was when I was a child, before her divorce. She took me with her everywhere, cooked healthy meals for me, dressed me up for birthday parties. She could be that person again if she had financial freedom —  that was the struggle that changed her. I understand that. If I put myself in her shoes, I know she did a lot for me considering she was a single mum with no education, money or support from her own family. I’m still trying to get to know her better, by setting boundaries, limiting contact and taking it slowly. I hope we can rebuild our relationship one day.

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