Sex educator and pleasure coach, Sara gives her expert advice on how to talk dirty without feeling awkward.
So there you are. Bedroom eyes. Clothes askew. When your lover says “talk dirty to me”. And then suddenly, your mind goes blank…! Personally, I think “talking dirty” gets a bit of a bad rep, because the word “dirty” carries connotations of porn star one-liners laced with profanity, when that doesn’t need to be the case. Sometimes being less explicit with your words can actually feel more naughty. As with everything sexual, it’s about finding a style that works for you. I believe everyone is capable of mastering “sex talk” or “erotic talk” (both terms I sometimes prefer over “dirty talk”) but it does take creativity and confidence.
Why dirty talk?
One of the reasons to engage in dirty talk is that it’s a powerful form of sexual communication, and it heightens arousal by stimulating the biggest sex organ in the body –you guessed it, the brain! It’s also a really sexy way of asking your partner for verbal consent, which should be the new standard in our post “Me Too” world. There’s a common misperception that seeking sexual consent is arduous, clinical, and a mood and spontaneity killer. But in reality it’s an incredibly powerful way of building sexual tension and also checking that your partner is on the same page.
Testing your lover’s boundaries is also pretty easy. If you say, “I keep thinking about you in a doctor’s outfit giving me a very thorough pelvic exam” then it’s pretty easy to figure out what to do if you’re getting is a “hell no” or a “hurry home” in response.
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Talk your way from foreplay to moreplay
I think there’s broadly two contexts where dirty talk is most likely to occur. The first is before sex (foreplay) and the second is during sex (which I’ve decided to call moreplay). The general principle I use is that during foreplay, say exactly what you want and how you want it. And if you want to paint a more elaborate picture: “You won’t believe what I’m thinking about…” is always a good place to start. During moreplay, say what you like and give positive feedback. If your partner is rocking your world, they deserve to know it. “I love it when you do that” is always appreciated, as well as any version of the word “more” that’s said with conviction.
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Build your oral repertoire
When it comes to dirty talk, we don’t all want the same thing. Someone’s sweet nothings could be another person’s no-go territory. There are also many different styles of dirty talk. You can be rude and raunchy, cute and flirty, or romantic and loving. So pick the style that best suits you, or your mood for that day. Instead of giving you a definitive list of dos and don’ts, I thought it would be more practical to provide suggestions around a few different types of dirty talk that you can use to form the basis of your oral repertoire. So here are some more ideas:
- Memories – “Remember when…” If you and your lover have been together for a while, then try to revive a particularly spicy memory.
- Fantasies – “I’m imagining you…” Use your words to paint a picture of the fantasy, so it becomes as vivid as possible. I like doing this in advance of sex as much as possible, so both partners can contribute.
- Hyperbole – “I’m going to scream the house down.” Disregarding the reality of angry neighbours, these are things you say for effect to amp up the mood. They aren’t necessarily meant to be taken literally. Use in moderation.
- Multi-sensory descriptions – “I hear you…” Most people tend to talk dirty about what they see and touch, but don’t forget to tune in and describe what your other senses are experiencing too.
- Instructions – “Show me…” This puts you in the driver’s seat and also gives your partner clear indication on what to do to please you.
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It’s all in the delivery
It’s been said that up to 90% of communication is non-verbal. So pay attention to your tone, eye contact and body language when you’re dirty talking. It’s about intention and connection, not just the actual words. Fans of audio erotica will agree that almost anything said in a low, breathy voice is going to come across as sexy. If you’re finding it hard to make eye contact while dirty talking, then put your lover in a blindfold and whisper deliciously into their ear. If you’re close enough to the sensitive skin at the back of the ear, it’s guaranteed to send shivers down their spine.
Still feeling self-conscious? Then build momentum with sexting or leave a few naughty voice memos for your partner. At least with the latter, you can re-record them several times until you’re totally comfortable, before pressing send.
At all times, you should be tuning in to what your partner is giving back to you in return just to gauge their comfort level with what you’re saying. But overall, be confident. Be authentic. Be creative. Just let it all out, with gusto!