Why Can’t I Have an Orgasm?

If you find yourself googling “why can’t I have an orgasm?”, this is for you. Intimacy Coach, Nathalie Sommer gives her expert advice on female pleasure.

Do you enjoy sex but you can’t quite get to the point where you fully let go and have that orgasm ripple through your you body? Do you find that you can easily orgasm when you self-pleasure on your own, but you can’t orgasm with your partner? Or has something recently changed and you find it hard to orgasm, and you’re not quite sure what’s stopping you from reaching the ‘Big O’?

If you’ve answered YES to any of these questions, I want you to know you’re not alone and that it’s such a common challenge. Whether it’s a mental, emotional, even a physical problem, the point is there’s nothing wrong with you. It can be fixed, and nothing is broken.

Everyone talks about orgasms and how amazing they are. Also, the aim of reaching climax is quite typical as an end goal when having sex for both partners. Hey, we’re all trying! Now, just think of how they portray the ‘Big O’ in movies. A couple has sex, and in their passionate perfect togetherness, they reach their peak at the same time. Watching this makes you think; ‘Oooh, isn’t that wonderful?!’ But let’s be honest, reality is often different. Not everyone easily orgasms from a few minutes of passionately staged intercourse.

Sex and Orgasms are not usually something we openly talk about, not even with our partners who are the ones we’re being intimate with (and often don’t have an idea that it’s even an issue). Talk about being a good actress! Whilst we don’t want to hurt their feelings, and how can you go from not ever communicating your needs, to all of a sudden going: ‘honey, guess what, I’ve never fully come with you… yes, in four years.’ Or ‘I have mostly been faking it.’

There can be so many levels of shame, so we find it hard to open up to our partner or someone else and confide in them, no matter how close to you they are. What makes it worse is, that there is a lack of research and information out there, which can often leave a feeling of isolation when looking for resources.

Here are some of the things I guide my coaching clients through. Because guess what?! You deserve to experience all the pleasure that your body can offer you.

Body and Mental Health:

It’s worth highlighting that both your body and mental health can have an impact on you having an orgasm. Yes, that’s right. If you’re on certain types of medication that cause a spike in prolactin level, which is a protein that reduces libido,  it can have an effect on you having an orgasm. Do you currently take any antidepressants or anti-anxiety pills? Taking any blood pressure tablets? Or, are you simply on the (normalised) birth control pill? If yes, they could be a reason why your libido has been low and is preventing you from orgasming. I do believe it’s worthwhile looking at the medication you’re taking. I am a big believer in hormone testing too. Go and get your oxytocin levels checked, as they can prevent you from climaxing too. This can also give insight into menopause, which can be another reason why it may be hard to orgasm.

There are some wonderful alternative treatments out there that can be looked it at. I highly suggest to take a trip down to Integrated Health. Also, if your medication is affecting you or you’re menopausal, I suggest to lube it up! It’s important to ensure that things are more pleasurable and that they feel good. I highly recommend the Yoni Bliss Oil, which is all natural, an aphrodisiac and it creates blood flow to the area. Sounds good right?!

Bodily Pleasure:

Orgasm is like a skill. It’s something that you have to learn, that you practice and that you figure out. It’s important to discover what you enjoy, whether you’re on your own or with your partner. Do you self-pleasure? If no, I strongly suggest you get to it. Why? Because how can you feel good in your body, and know your pleasure points if you have not experienced them on your own. Plus, it’s so much easier to experience an orgasm when you’re on your own and the focus is just on you, it really is a great opportunity to discover what your turn-ons are. Bonus points? It’s pleasure.

Orgasming has something to do with relaxing, surrendering, fully embodying all that your feeling. So ask yourself, does my environment matter? If yes, what does it need to look like? Candles, soft music playing in the background? Clean sheets? A quiet house? Take some time to think about what the environment should look and feel like, so you can fully let go and relax. Also, what are the things that get you aroused? What are your pleasure zones and spots? Not sure? Well, it’s about time that you go on a little adventure, and start on a journey of exploration. Do you like using some sensual oil that smells good? Do you need a toy? I do love the pleasure wands, as they can help you discover your pleasure spots and de-armour your yoni. Sounds juicy, right?! Or do prefer to go au natural, and explore all of your body parts with your hands and fingers, so you can properly feel? I say, just go for it girl, do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable and that will help you to feel good.

I do suggest to take out some time, to go and connect with yourself and experience some pleasure, just think of it, like a date, but that you have with yourself in the bedroom, that’s all dedicated to you. And make sure that you can relax. Maybe take some deep breaths first, listen to some sensual or calming music, then slowly start activating those pelvic muscles by squeezing them. Yes baby, go, squeeze, connect with your beautiful sensual parts, and slowly feel the build of arousal. I want you to remove the pressure of creating an orgasm as an end goal. Just experience and feel the pleasure grow and ripple through your body. Let that feeling be orgasmic, and remove the focus of the sexual orgasm. What kind of pleasure can you experience? What do you need to fully surrender into your sensations? What do you need, so you can let go? So it can be more pleasurable? More arousing?  A higher turn on? Let go and enjoy…

Sexual Healing:

So this is a huge topic and something we’re all in need off. We all have experienced some sort of sexual trauma in our lives, some smaller and some bigger. Just think about your upbringing around sex. Was sex something that was openly talked about? Or was it something that was taboo, dirty and hush hush? You may have taken on some sort of these beliefs from your childhood and they’ve now created some level of shame and guilt around sexuality, and it might be just that little voice that’s in the back of your mind, or your core believe that’s holding you back from experiencing ultimate pleasure. I really encourage you to dig in a little deeper on this. Because guess what, what you think and feel is connected to your body. So, if there are beliefs and experiences that you are holding on to, they can stop you from fully relaxing and letting your body experience an orgasm. Or maybe there was a traumatic event where you had a bad sexual experience. For example, a sexual activities without consent can have a HUGE, deeply ingrained effect on your mind, your body and your subconscious. If that’s the case, and if you are feeling some emotions stirring up in your body reading this, I suggest to seek some professional support and help which will enable more understanding.

Yes, it’s time to dig deep, to forgive, let go and heal. Because guess what?! You’re worthy of pleasure.

What about sexual healing in relationships? Yes, even there, healing needs to happen. You can have some deep love and affection for the person that you’re with, yet if something is stopping you from climaxing and from fully letting go, it’s a problem. There can be a number of reasons, so it’s important to ask yourself: When did this happen? Has it always been that way? If yes, has it got something to do with my belief around sex or is it something that has happened along the way in the relationship, and it created a pattern? Was there something said? Are there emotional upsets? Was there some sort of rejection around sex?  Most likely, there is an emotional response to the reason why you’re not surrendering to deep pleasure with your partner. Now, beautiful one, be honest with yourself and look at what happened. See what you can do for yourself to create some sexual and emotional healing around that.

Discovering your pleasure:

I’ve already touched on this topic in bodily pleasure, and they are connected, but let’s take this deeper. Often, we have a deep sense of longing to have this beautiful sexual experience, yet, the reality is somewhat different. Your mind has a huge impact when it comes to sexual pleasure.

Now, if you were to imagine a story, where your lover were to talk about your deepest desires and use the right words and language, I can guarantee you, you will begin to experience a sense of arousal. And that’s only by stimulating your mind!

So do you know your words of arousal? Do you know the way how you’re erotically wired? Whether you’re single or not, think about what erotic scene will give you ultimate pleasure. Now let that play out in your mind. Just think of it as erotic TV but in your mind.  Can you start feeling the warmth and arousal between your legs building up? Keep going until things get hotter and hotter, and restrain yourself from touching yourself. I want you to keep building and building. And when you’re ready, slowly start touching yourself, but keep going until you’re close to your highest peak, and then STOP. Yes, stop! Now feel all that throbbing feeling go through your body and now keep building again. Build, build, build… and now stop again. Build, stop, build, stop. Got it?! You can do this for hours, days until you can feel yourself getting ready to get over that peak and feel that release. It’s there and waiting.

Now can you imagine if you move this over into your lovemaking with a partner? Let them tell you stories and build up your arousal, no touching, just talking. Be sure to explain what you’d like to hear about. Not sure what your erotic language is? Go and take this quiz to help you discover your erotic blueprint type. Trust me when I say, a whole new world will open up for you.

Expanding:

Now that you’ve done some exploring and healing, why not look into expanding. Maybe it’s time to see a therapist? Attend a workshop or course? Learn more about the different types of orgasms, and ohhhh there are so many! Educate yourself, learn and discover…maybe you have been too focused on having clit orgasms, forgetting all about the wonderful pleasure spots and different types of orgasms you can experience.

What are you waiting for? Just ask yourself, what pleasure am I missing out on right now. And what if it stays like this for another 10 years. Yep, there’s some motivation for you.

Why not go and discover some toys at Sally Coco and dive deeper into the world of the juicy forbidden? Or head on over to the Love Hotel. I’m absolutely in love with that place. If you want to discover a place that can help you boost your confidence, meet your sexual muse to help you get empowered, I suggest a browse on the site. There is nothing hotter than wearing something sexy and sensual under all of your attire, that only you know about. It will help you to walk down the street in a completely different way than you normally would. You’ll be oozing sensuality. Don’t forget, confidence and self-love have a huge impact on the way you feel about your body.  

This topic is huge and for me, so to be able to cover all the different aspects as to why we’re not able to orgasm would take several articles. There are so many different things that can affect the way we feel pleasure, and it can be quite personal and run deep. Most important is that you don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Try to keep the focus on all that feels wonderfully pleasurable, rather than focusing on an end state of orgasming. Relax, get out of your mind and enjoy whatever feels right to you… the rest will naturally unfold.

If you’re still feeling stuck, I would be happy to get on a 30-minute consultation with you to see if there is a way I can help you to experience more pleasure inside the bedroom.