Relationship and Intimacy Coach, Nathalie Sommer gives her expert advice on slow sex.
Has your sex life gone from fulfilling to routine? Do you find yourself longing more passion in the bedroom? Are you ready to take your sex life to the next level and connect more intimately with your sexual desires? If you’re nodding your head, then read on. You may have heard of the slow movement (slow food, slow parenting, slow education and so on). Well, there’s also the slow sex movement. So whether you’re interested in exploring different aspects of tantra, want to delve deeper into your desires and sexuality, or simply reignite the flame in your relationship, slow sex could be the answer. Not only can it can create a deep connection between you and your partner, but you may also find that sense of fulfilment you didn’t know you were missing all along.
Just think of food. It’s great to eat things that nourish, fill you up and taste good. But if you keep on having the same thing over and over, you might lose your passion for preparing it and won’t enjoy it as much. So why not change things up by indulging in some dessert or a six-course dégustation menu? It’s much more pleasurable when you can slow down, enjoy your meal, and savour the experience and flavours. The same goes for sex! Getting in a quickie can be fun and help take the edge off, plus it may be just what you need at that moment. But what if it becomes a habit? We’re all pushed for time these days and like to have a quick fix for everything, including sex. But if you keep doing the same thing over and over again in the bedroom, it becomes predictable and takes away the mystery and eroticism. This can lead you to feel disconnected to yourself and your partner. It’s important to change things up and add different items to the menu, to help keep the passion alive.
That’s where slow sex comes in. It’s all about reprogramming ourselves to savour the moment. Slowing down to enjoy pleasure creates a longer lasting feeling of body fulfilment, that also nourishes, rejuvenates and creates a deeper connection.
Sensations and slow sex
Want to enjoy foreplay to the fullest as you work your way up to intercourse? Where every sensation feels orgasmic, and there’s plenty of time to indulge in it? Sex begins the moment we decide to be intimate with our lover. The key with slow sex is to tune deep into your body, and to focus on every sensation from beginning to end. It’s important to stay in the present moment, with no end goal in mind. Just think of it as meditation! Close your eyes, breathe and feel like you’re going slow, before going one step slower. Feel every breath, touch, and movement of the tongue, and allow those sensations to pulse through you in a state of complete awareness.
To sum it up, having slow sex allows you to focus on the sensation instead of your performance, which is very easy to get caught up in when it comes to sex. It’s about deeply feeling the experience as it happens, instead of trying to achieve some orgasmic goal which can often lead to feeling under pressure to speed up.
Connecting with your lover
The most intimate way to connect with another person is through the eyes. That’s when the magic truly happens. It allows you to be close to your partner and to really see and feel each other. I’m not talking about feeling each other with your hands, but to feel with your being. Start off with eye gazing as part of your foreplay. Sit or lie across from each other, as you look deeply into each other’s eyes. As you do this, arousal builds up in your body and spreads through all of your erogenous zones. Mentally picture things you want to do to your partner and express those sexy thoughts through your gaze other some sexy thoughts? Seeing the desire in your lover’s eyes is a real turn on and builds anticipation about what will happen next. Try not to touch each other initially, and to just feel the other person’s body warmth. Just sit for a while to feel the connection and lust, before you slowly move into foreplay. Anticipation is a great aphrodisiac and helps keep things hot.
Another big turn on is to maintain eye contact during sexual stimulation and intercourse. It’s quite natural to close your eyes and delve deep into the world of desire. But if you have your eyes closed the whole time, it’s also easy to lose the connection with your lover and fail to notice what’s happening in the body of the other person. Losing connection can be a big turn off for the Energetic Blueprint type, so if that’s you, take this quiz to discover your Erotic Blueprint type and discover your pathway to arousal. When you look into each other’s eyes you can see the passion and desire you feel for one another, which will lead to a mind-blowing experience.
Discovering erogenous zones
Do you know which parts of your body (other than your genitals) lead to your arousal? A great way to slow down and turn up the heat is to stimulate secondary, or less obvious erogenous zones before the primary ones. It’s a great way to build desire. Start off with feet and hands, then toes and fingers, before caressing and teasing behind the knees and elbows (don’t be afraid to use your mouth). Then slowly move your way to the neck, ears, inner thighs and nipples. Arousing these areas can increase the pleasure through anticipation, ultimately leading to the primary pleasure of the genitals.
Don’t forget to use teasing words and erotic storytelling because the brain is the biggest erogenous zone and plays a major role in arousal. Learning to speak each other’s sex language can lead to playful pleasure. Click here to discover your sex language.
Slow sex orgasms
According to statistics, 70% of women experience difficulty achieving orgasm during intercourse. Although having an orgasm is not the main goal in the slow sex practice, it can be a beautiful and deeply connecting experience for both partners. The key is to have no aim, to stay present in the moment, and to surrender and let go. Sometimes all you need is to feel a close connection to your lover. During intercourse, imagine that your heart and yoni (the Sanskrit word for vagina) are both fully open to receiving your partner. It’s easy for your mind to get in the way and to think about other things, so just bring your awareness back to the present moment and feel what’s happening in your body. If there’s any tension, take a deep breath to inhale, exhale, and let go. You can also breathe together with your partner as you’re in the missionary position.
A little sex tip is to put a pillow under your bum, so you can open up your pelvic floor fully to receiving your lover. As you keep rocking back and forward, stay present and allow yourself to feel your partner inside you. Remember to focus on bringing awareness into your body. You can do this by kissing and touching each other lovingly and passionately, and whispering into each other’s ears. Then when you can feel yourself opening up further and further, and if your body is ready for it, let that orgasm ripple through, surrender and let go. If there is no orgasm, that’s completely fine too. Just savour the moment of being together. It really can’t get more intimate than this!
Plugging in and taking a pause
Have you heard of ‘plugging in’? It’s sex with no movement. If you think that sounds boring, trust me when I say that this can lead to you feeling sensations you’ve never felt before. It’s an amazing way to start off your slow sex practice, as it allows you to achieve a deep state of connection with your partner.
When your lover is inside you, just stay completely still and allow yourself to feel the sense of anticipation. By staying still, your body will open up naturally and crave more. You should notice your sensations are heightened, so you can feel even the slightest movements. It’s also beautiful to just tune in to the body warmth of your partner and feel their breath on your skin. You can use your pelvic floor muscles to tense and release, to further build sensation. The key is to keep staying still and not to give in, to really feel the yearning build up, until you can no longer bear to stay still. When you’re both ready, allow that first thrust to hit. I promise you, you’ll feel the pleasure pulsing through your body like electricity. Keep moving slowly and when things start getting hotter, take a pause. Stay still for a moment and notice what’s happening in your body. Feel the rush of emotions and sensations that are running through your body and savour the moment. This can create a feeling of anticipation that leaves you desperately wanting more. To build up your pelvic floor muscles and to experience stronger sensations and more intense orgasms, I suggest using a Yoni Egg. Your partner will love the feeling too!
I believe that slow sex is the best tonic for a relationship to ensure its longevity. It’s easy to get caught up in comfort and routine. We stop taking the time to connect and to experience deep pleasure in the bedroom, and soon we feel something is missing. Practising slow sex can help transform your relationship and create hot sex for a lifetime. If you’re single, I suggest adding slow sex into your self-pleasure practice. The best way to start is to connect with yourself first, then bring this knowledge into any later relationships.
If you’re interested in finding out more, why not contact me for a free 30-minute consultation to discover how we can work together!